Nonsense I have written

Get Pissed Again (to the tune of Let’s Twist Again by Chubby Checker)

Come on, get pissed again
Just like we did last summer
Oh, get pissed again
Just like we did last year

Do you remember when
Our heads were really humming
Get pissed again
Break out the beer

You know, round and round and up and down  we go again
Baby, don’t you know, your nose is gonna glow and then

Get pissed again
Just like we did last summer
Oh, pissed again
Pissed time is here

The Marriotts of Reading #1

The Marriotts of Reading
Packed up all their bedding
And took out a heading
Towards the North Pole

It was a great expedition
With a strong sense of mission
To find nuclear fission
Or some hyperbole

And they pressed ever on
With a smile and a song
They said it won’t take long
And we won’t be wrong

Young Marriott was leading
Though his poor feet were bleeding
He was almost succeeding
When he fell down a hole

He quickly recovered
Though in snow he was covered
He wanted to be mothered
Then he sighted the Pole

And he pressed ever on
With a smile and a song
He said it won’t take long
And I won’t be wrong

At the Pole he just stood there
He was not very good there
He was stiff as a piece of wood there
Because of the cold

His tent let the breeze in
And because he was freezing
The force of his sneezing
Blew down the North Pole

But he pressed ever on
With a smile and a song
He said it won’t take long
And I won’t be wrong

And when it was over
He arrived back at Dover
All covered in clover
But ever so old

Marriott led a procession
In the church read the lesson
In the Daily Expression
His story was told

How he pressed ever on
With a smile and a song
He said it won’t take long
And I won’t be wrong

Now you might see Marriott
In a shiny gold chariot
With his lovely wife Harriett
So brave and so bold

And if you live in Reading
And your wings should be spreading
Join Marriott’s next heading
Towards the East Pole.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

It’s baaaaaack! But then you knew it was coming, didn’t you?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Rain

This was written during one particularly damp spring in England

We live in a world of perpetual rain
It pounds us, it soaks us, it loosens the brain
It brings rivers of mud as it runs to the drain
When will we see the sun?

We waken each morning, it’s always the same
The sky is grey, it’s bleak and profane
Why do we have this perpetual rain?
When will we see the sun?

Sometimes I wonder if we can take the strain
Of this endless, monotonous horrible rain
It’s a trial and a torment. It causes great pain
When will we see the sun?

A man with wet hands rides a horse with a wet mane
He’d have been better off had he gone on a train
At least he’d have been out of the rain
When will we see the sun?

It’s been raining for weeks and the flowers are lame
The meadows are soggy, I think it’s a shame
Turn off the tap and stop this damn rain
And let us see the sun.

Corporate Blues

Get some dough from the cash dispenser
Go to “Next” and “Marks & Spencer”
Corporate suits and corporate coat
Corporate tie for corporate throat

Up at dawn and down to the station
Quality of life bears no relation
Good morning, everybody, what a lovely day
Turn on the PC,  get the work under way

The greatest thing is corporate life
It lifts you up to the dizzy heights
We love our jobs, we’re enthusiastic
We give our souls to be kept on elastic

Check the FT, have we made a loss?
Shed some staff, they were only dross
No idle chat, no dirty jokes
Be good corporate girls and blokes

The in-tray’s full, the email’s bursting
The broken coffee machine won’t help my thirsting
Opportunities I must seek
Is it still two days till the end of the week?

The greatest thing is corporate life
It lifts you up the dizzy heights
We love our jobs, we’re enthusiastic
We give our souls to be kept on elastic

Corporate this and corporate that
Corporate life is never flat
Dedication and loyalty should be the onus
Help the boss make a tidy bonus

Corporate cats are never fat
Corporate life is not about that
Corporate life is good for society
It’s based on ethics and propriety

The greatest thing is corporate life
It lifts you up to the dizzy heights
We love our jobs, we’re enthusiastic
We give our souls to be kept on elastic

We’re hip, hip hooraying, we’re out on Dartmoor
Beans and onions from a pan make us fart more
As a leadership test, it’s the latest wheeze
Through tunnels and bogs we crawl on our knees

Here you have to lose your inhibitions
Show guts and you could achieve all your ambitions
Well, I’m cold and I’ve lost my way
So I’m stealing a pony and getting away.

The greatest thing is corporate life
It lifts you up the dizzy heights
We love our jobs, we’re enthusiastic
We give our souls to be kept on elastic

Sorry Love, I’m staying late
Tell the kids goodnight, leave dinner on a plate
To be honest it’s crap, but there we’re stuck
It’s the only way I can make a buck

Corporate life, you’re driving me crazy
The targets are tough, the rewards are hazy
Corporate papers, corporate news
Corporate capers, corporate blues.

The Marriotts of Reading #2

From Denmark Hill and Hither Green
The greatest crowd you’ve ever seen
Gathered round Marriott’s flying machine
To wish him all the best

Cleaners cleaned to make it clean
It had knobs and levers and dials between
Glittering gold, it looked supreme
With the Marriott family crest

A star shone in the East
In Marriott it brought out the beast
He stuffed himself with vitamins and yeast
And set out on his way

From naught to sixty in one second
Over the sea before he reckoned
Breaking records, the East Pole beckoned
Marriott smelled success

With ample supplies of sandwiches and pies
Marriott’s airborne yacht scorched the skies
People below strained their eyes
And saw him get undressed

A star shone in the East
In Marriott it brought out the beast
Much testosterone was released
Along the Milky Way

With sextant, chronometer, almanac and stars
Marriott searched for the Arabian bazaars
But the moon was on the wrong side of Mars
He was heading not east, but west

Undeterred he did not waver
He landed in Ireland and asked a favour
Unleaded for the machine and a prayer to the saviour
No time to stop for rest

A star shone in the East
In Marriott it brought out the beast
His motto was most, not least
His philosophy was go, don’t stay

Back on the right track, but the going was poor
The clouds were full and the wind did roar
It took about a month or more
To get past Budapest

At last India came into sight
China was off somewhere to the right
For the East Pole Marriott searched day and night
But it didn’t manifest

A star shone in the East
In Marriott it brought out the beast
With positive thoughts and elbow grease
He sought the better way

Marriott did not find the Eastern Pole
In life that was not to be his role
But he circled the globe and came back whole
And didn’t get distressed

From Denmark Hill and Hither Green
The greatest crowd you’ve ever seen
Gathered round Marriott’s flying machine
And pinned a medal to his chest

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Author of fiction