The customer is king

Dear company I am trying to contact

I am regulated by nobody

I have Terms and Conditions which can be summed up as Common Sense. But I would never expect you to sign up to those

Please enter on your keyboard the telephone number you are not answering

Please enter your pin number. It is encrypted here. The fact that it is 100 digits is for your security

I do not recognize that number. You have one last chance to enter it again. Fail and I will take my business to some other incompetent organization

So that I know it’s you and not a robot, enter your shoe size here

What was the name your great grand-parents almost gave to your grandmother but then they changed their minds?

Please enter your keyword. It ends with “ucker”.

Enter the last 1,000 digits on the back of your card

Thank you. Now that we have completed the security checks, let me tell you about my special offer on pigeon shit insurance. I know how you love crap.

  • Press 1 to hear me sing
  • Press 2 to hear a golden repeat of last January’s weather forecast
  • Press 3 to hear Theresa May’s explanation of why her Brexit is the best Brexit. (Please ensure your battery is at 900%)
  • Press 4 for a summary of President Trump’s unswerving policies
  • Press 5 to understand the Middle East conflicts. Sit comfortably
  • Press 6 for my uncensored video of the aliens passing by Earth and heading somewhere else “which has effective communication facilities”
  • Press 7 to wait hours to speak an agent who does not understand English. You will enjoy the music-on-hold. Here are the lyrics so you can sing along:

Do do do do do de do do do do do do do do do
Mahna Mahna
Do doo be-do-do
Mahna Mahna
Do do-do do
Mahna Mahna
Do doo de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do-doodle do do do-doo do!

Copyright: David K. Bryant,  November 16, 2018

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